Tuesday, March 9, 2010

The Truth hurts

I'm so sorry I haven't blogged for a few weeks. I made a certain discovery which has changed my life upside down for good . I have been in the depths of despair ever since & have been left in fragments. I can never be the same person again as a result.

I think it will have to change the purpose of my blogging since it was all about "A Journey through Grief". I don't know what else I could blog about but I'm sure there will be plenty of other things in time. But one thing is for certain my course of direction will have to change. I can no longer be the "grieving wife". What I now know would make my husband my "ex".

For months I have struggled with the concept of being a single parent but now this feels right for me. Who would have thought that after my husband's death I am grieving that he has become my ex. Also I am grieving the husband I never had. He certainly was never my soul-mate.

I wonder whether there is anyone else out there who has had a difficult relationship. I feel rather a misfit in society. I go to a group called WAY (widowed and young - under 50) but have yet to meet anyone who has gone through my experience.

I'm glad some people have met their soul-mate. It must be so hard to loose them if they should die. But what if the relationship was hard like in my case? I have met others who had a hard time when their partner was dying as the cancer changed their personality such as in liver cancer. Yes I found that to be the case, although my husband suffered a brain tumor & not liver cancer. But my doctor said it wouldn't have effected his personality. However I had had problems for years with him. I had always blamed the steroids he was taking for colitis as he had seemed a reasonable person until then.

But from what I had told my G.P., he referred to him as an "odd personality' which was made worse by the kids coming along. I'm beginning to feel my G.P. was right. Unfortunately he had to go on steroids shortly after the second child was born. So I will never really know what happened or what was to blame - maybe a combination of things. But what does that say for me being attracted to an "odd personality"? I try to think it was because my husband was so clever that he was able to fool me. God I hope that it doesn't make me odd for having fallen for it. No - my husband was a very clever person. He knew how to manipulate & pull the wool over anybody's eyes.

Well, you well & truly are reading about "Midnight Ramblings", aren't you? A very appropriate title for my blog, considering. You must all be wondering what an earth has happened. It is all so sensitive that I can't really explain. Maybe it should be a reminder that if any of us want our secrets to be kept it will all come out in the wash once we have died unless you make a point of concealing it.

I guess, as my husband didn't know he was dying until the week in which he died, he hadn't thought of concealing it all. Then it was too late. He went downhill so quickly, I guess it was the last thing on his mind. But had I known what I now know, there was no way our marriage could have continued. He would have become my "ex". I am now grieving for the 18 years of our marriage that was a lie (although I will never know how much of it or to what extent) as well as the emotional effort I have put in since - searching for the treasured memories which have now become contaminated. It has all been taken from me.

The timing of finding out wasn't very appropriate, either - Valentine's day. I had left a red heart balloon on his grave, had a card ready to sign & place by his side of the bed back home (once I had returned from visiting my dear Mum, Maggie May).

I had just been discussing with my dear family the very words to put on my husband's headstone - including words sucn as "Forever in our hearts...." I was assured the words I had chosen were very nice. I had put lots of emotional effort into looking at all the headstones in the cemetery where he is buried & deciding roughly what I wanted to make it perfect & honorable to him. Now I haven't a clue. To the outside world & to my boys, I'm living a lie. I must go on being the grieving widow, or should I ? I feel I have to do the headstone as it is the done thing but it is meaningless to me, now. How on earth do I get out of this one? Please Somebody design a headstone for me. It is too much for me to bear.

My husband was the first & I think will be the last. He has done such lasting damage that I don't think I will ever be able to trust anyone ever again.

It just happened to be Valentine's Day when my brother helped me to search through my husband's lap top to see whether he had backed up treasured family holidays. I recently had had to call in the experts to have a virus removed from my P.C. There was a real danger all contents to be removed & re-installed. This meant I could have lost everything - all the sentimental memories of us as a family. Luckily that didn't happen. But there were no family photos backed up - well not recent ones. But that was when we discovered what I now know.

My intentions was not to spy but to honor my husband with cherished memories & all I got was what I found in shock & horror instead. He had obviously lived a very dark side which he kept well hidden from others.

I had asked God for a sign which I believe I got by this discovery. I may need to retract & tell you more about asking for signs. Hopefully I will do that soon. Now I have blogged again, maybe the ice has been broken & it will make it easier to write future posts.

I just wonder what my previous post was all about - the importance of sitting with a dying person. I feel used. I'm sure I was a great comfort to my husband but at what cost? Would I have done it had I known what I know now? I just feel so used.

Thank you for all your comments, prayers & words of encouragement. They are all much appreciated & help to spur me on.

Debs xxxx


Head full of stuff said...

Hello Debbie

I am very moved by your latest post as it sounds like you are going through some very tough times. It really does appear that your loyalty has been betrayed, which must be very, very difficult for you. Bereavement is complex in all circumstances, but you are going through something different on top of all the loss. I hope you can find a way through.

As for your previous post, it just shows your capacity for caring, regardless of what you now know.

Cathy said...

Hello Debbie
However much a shock it has been to you whatever you discovered he had been doing is in the past - whats done is done and now you really can start afresh
As you say blogging (if you continue) may become easier as your thoughts move on to other things, So many blogs - well quite a few - seem to change as the author changes - all the interests seem to merge and before you know it your writings go down another path - don't worry about it or feel you've misled your readers. Talk to us about your feelings, your hopes and all the little things you are angry about, anything that comes into your mind
Now its time to get on with your new life - a young woman with so much of life ahead of you. I wish you well
Take care

Bernie said...

Two wrong will never make your situation right Debbie. I am sorry to hear that you have been so hurt and feel so distraught. Whatever it is must be horrible but remember do not let what happened in the past decide if you and your boys will be happy in the future...do not give that much power to your ex....take back your power sweetie, you have survived so much you will survive this too.
Always in my prayers....:-) Hugs

Maggie May said...

I had tears streaming down my face as read your post. You have always been a very loving person and a good mother to the boys and a very good daughter.
You are not the odd ball..... no way.
I can tell you that I was gobsmacked by what we discovered and there was no way of knowing that this man was living a lie. I don't think he was in the beginning.He completely fooled me and all the family.

I do believe that God did answer your prayer because now you can move on. Maybe not in the way you wanted and maybe there doesn't seem much of a bright future at the moment, but I do believe that once you get through the new grief, that you will move to a very much better place and there will be happiness for you.

I am sure your blog will move in a new direction and I admire your courage in writing this post as it couldn't have been easy. You have made a first step.... made a choice and that is the start of your new life.

Lot of love Maggie XXXXX

Nuts in May

Mickle in NZ said...

Most dearest Deb, my heart goes out to you and my genuine care and concern is there both for and with you.

There is a lot of wisdom in Cathy's comment. Like you and your dear Mum, Cathy is a very special person my life.

And for you I send especially gentle love and hugs, huggles and purrrrrumbling from Michelle and Zebbycat, xoxoxo

Eddie Bluelights said...

Debbie, I was devastated when I heard the news - I am so very, very sorry. You deserve much, much better than this. Life can be so cruel sometimes.
You are very brave to post this.
God bless ~ Uncle Eddie

AA said...

You're so brave, and honest.

Jackie said...

Debbie...I wanted to come by your blog and let you know that I am thinking of you. I hope that you and your sons are doing well. You are a strong and loving lady. I wanted to give you a hug via your blog...
Hugs from Jackie